!!blue's blog

I’m wondering if the eyes from my childhood would be happy with where I am today. I distinctly remember in grade school paging through my Science book further ahead than where we were because I was curious and loved the subject overall. (I learned the shorthand for the colors of the rainbow that way: Roy G. Biv.) Would that young girl be happy with where I am now? Maybe. I’d like to think so. I code all day and I love it. I have children now and they love me from what I can tell. My family is still a huge part of my life. I am extremely lucky to have a handful of very close and very wonderful friends. I aim to live my life with honesty and integrity still with that same curiosity for life, finding beauty in everything.

Grabbing the horns of life is still a challenge. I did it, I turned my life upside down. Completely fucking upside down despite everything. I tore down my fears and reached for happiness. I’m still reaching, I’m still looking for what I want for my future and my children’s future. It’s hard and lonely but I know I’m not alone. I’m not alone! Reaching out to my loved ones has helped me maintain my feet on the ground and clarity in the vision of my future I’m striving to create.

My optimistic heart also helps.

I’m still feeling run down lately. Today was a little better but I wasn’t able to listen to the music I really love because it just makes me cry. Zoé, Lucybell, Caifanes or anything like that just touches my soul and fills me with that desolation, that “apartness,” that keeps me inside away from everyone.

Le sigh. I took this photo this morning while waiting for the bus. A lovely ray of sun was shining from behind some tree branches just right.

bus stop sun

I closed my eyes
I imagined you there
I imagined you with me
I imagined you bare

I see you in the trees
I see you in my dreams
Your voice in my ear
A fragment of you in my mind

It was raining as I walked to my new bus stop this morning and I took a few pictures of the puddles. I took one I felt came out particularly well with the two leaves touching near the edge of a thin puddle.

do you see the world like I do?

I’m still feeling very sad but I don’t think bordering on depressed just yet. I feel so isolated from everyone, like I’m inside my head and my eyes are windows that are shut but transparent. I hate this and I don’t know what to do. It helps to write it all down right? I think so. Hoping one day I can read this and laugh at my silly feelings. We’ll see. Still, I’m happy I can look in the puddle and see the sky.

I guess it’s time to dust off my blog and start writing again. I’m hoping I can write a post each day but we’ll see how it goes. I’m divorced now and recently moved in with my family. It has been… interesting. It is frustrating to live with people who question your every move. I already failed at life, I know; I’ve accepted it and am moving on with my life and my children’s lives. But do I really need to rush in head first into another decision that could end up worst?

See, my parents want me to buy a house. Now. Today! ACT FAST! I am on one income and have two children. Is it really wise for me to buy property and have a mortgage on one income with two children? Because if it is, I don’t see it.

In related news, living with my parents will put a hamper on my attempts at dating. I’m planning to attend SAIC in Spring of 2011 for a certification program in Photography. It’s something I should have studied a very long time ago. Anyway, perhaps that would be a way to get out and meet new people. Meanwhile my loneliness is my shadow.

Here’s a photo I took this morning using my myTouch 4G:

follow the power lines down