My top artists for the year according to last.fm:

1. Zoé
2. Lucybell
3. Miami Horror
4. Cut Copy
5. Soda Stereo
6. Federico Aubele
7. Le Baron
8. The Strokes
9. Strange Talk
10. She Wants Revenge

As far as photography, I put my smartphones to good use this year. I went through my Flickr account and chose what I believed was the best photograph from each month. Here is the set (do feel free to let me know if your opinion differs. )…

Finally, here’s the last photograph of me for 2011. May the new year bring new experiences, new loves, and an abundance of happiness!

My kids are happy too. Joaquin is doing better for the most part. His night terrors are gone and his asthma is nonexistent now. My son is always so full of joy and quick to smile! He does cry when his father drops him off and leaves. He’s too young to understand what’s going on but he knows when he comes home dad doesn’t stay so he cries. Zoe is struggling more than her baby brother. She starts acting up when she doesn’t get her way and cries telling me she hates this house and hates me because she wants to go home to her real home. It breaks my heart each time she says it and I know she doesn’t mean cause me pain. She wants her old life back. Aside from the occasional meltdown she’s doing well. I need to help her understand that this life is our life now. It’s a mountain we can climb together.

As far as my own happiness, I am working on it. My plans for my future are slowly growing, slowly evolving. I’ve had opportunities to date but I’ve set my own loneliness aside to focus on getting other aspects of my life in order. Sometimes I feel I’ll never get my life in order and other days I feel I’m right as rain. I can always count on my optimism to keep my outlook rosy. It seems whenever I have a bad day I can always sleep on it and by the next morning I feel much better.

Most of the time I take that as a sign my issues weren’t as big as I felt they were at the time. I also was taught not to complain and not cry which really only adds to my stress. Lately my kids, Christmas shopping, and my work have added stress which manifests as nausea and heartburn. But when I sit and think about things, I’m content.

Christmas has always filled me with magic. It’s in the kindness I see everywhere, in the twinkle lights that adorn everything, in the mugs of hot chocolate and the baked treats we eat. It was never a season of gifts to me but of season of love and magic and snow. Fuzzy sweaters and snowflake patterns. I hope ny children learn the magic of Christmas. Zoe once told me that Santa couldn’t get her many gifts because he didn’t have a lot of money so she asked him only for one gift. ♥ 

After the stress of the holiday season passes I can look forward to a fresh start with my kids and myself in the new year. As time passes I know the mountains we climb together will turn out to be rocky paths when I look back.

Does that ever get anyone anywhere? I’ve been afraid of asking, sure. I’ve been afraid to hear no; to hear that I’m crazy; to hear it’s impossible. But I won’t let a question linger too long in my heart or in my mind. Living with a question burning in your soul starts to wear down your body. It starts to show.

Ok, so what if you don’t know how to ask your BIG question? What do you do? You wait and you wait and you wait for the perfect opportunity to present itself. Or you hint at your question, you walk around it showing your question to the world in pieces. Yeah, what you’re really doing is putting it off! Stop it. Get down to the root of the question. What is it you really want to know? Why are you afraid of asking?

So, why are you afraid of asking? Fear is a powerful emotion but only if you feed it power. My curiosity has bitten me in the past and I’ve cried but after wiping the tears the fear is gone. Then I realize the fear wasn’t as big as I thought it was. Then I’m glad I opened my big mouth and asked my BIG question. Because you know what? I’ll always have another BIG question tomorrow so I might as well deal with it head on and without fear. Curiosity is good!

It’s almost the end of the year and I wanted to record everything I’m thankful for this year for Thanksgiving. So my life fell apart this year because I got divorced. Getting a divorce was my choice and sometimes it feels like the worst but also the best choice I’ve ever made. Better than deciding to study in a creative field. Better than deciding to have children. Better than deciding to always keep my hair long. Well, that’s just vanity but it’s important.

Anyway, I’m forever grateful to myself for making that decision. As hard as it was and as difficult as it’s made my life, I’m happier for it. My ex-husband is still my friend and he will always be my friend. Sure he can drive me crazy most times but he’s the father of my children and he is—in the end—a good father. I wish him nothing but happiness in his future.

During the end of my marriage I relied heavily on friends to get me through the arguments, the pain, the low points, and helping me find the brightness in life. I’m forever grateful to them for being there for me, for distracting me, for offering a sympathetic ear, for just letting me cry… I did a lot of crying. My friends let me cry and showed me how important they are to me by just being there. I am glad I reached out—with my curiosity always leading—to the few people I have to find truly remarkable and honest people. I’m learning that there are really good people in the world.

These days I’m especially grateful for my family. Well, they do drive me crazy all day every day but they’re offering my children and I a place to stay. I’m able to save money so I can build my future. I’ve discovered I’m exactly like my dad. THAT was a shocker. There’s an episode of Friends where Rachel is teaching Joey how to sail a boat and she ends up screaming directions at him. She then realizes she spent so much time trying not to become her mom that she became her dad. Ha! Something like that could apply to me. My mom is the most extroverted woman I know and thinks introverts are just very serious, dumb people. *sigh*

I’m grateful I have a career I love and get to work with wonderful people! I get to work with code and am able to work with big name brands. The people I work with are awesome and inspiring and after all I’ve been through they have supported me even if some don’t know it. Sometimes sharing a youtube link is enough to brighten my day. So many great people have left but that’s the nature of working in advertising. Every day it’s something new and different and exciting. I’m blessed to still be employed doing something I love and working with great people!

Ok, so getting to the point: I’m grateful! Yes, my marriage ended in divorce but my friends and my family got me through it. My friends and family are still getting me through this. I can never repay them, even with all the time in the world. All I can do is be there for them and keep moving forward.

I’m also trying to blog more so hopefully with the new year coming I can set aside time to blog at least once a week. Hopefully. Maybe. Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it and if you don’t enjoy the time off!

Grabbing the horns of life is still a challenge. I did it, I turned my life upside down. Completely fucking upside down despite everything. I tore down my fears and reached for happiness. I’m still reaching, I’m still looking for what I want for my future and my children’s future. It’s hard and lonely but I know I’m not alone. I’m not alone! Reaching out to my loved ones has helped me maintain my feet on the ground and clarity in the vision of my future I’m striving to create.

My optimistic heart also helps.

Le sigh. I took this photo this morning while waiting for the bus. A lovely ray of sun was shining from behind some tree branches just right.

bus stop sun

I see you in the trees
I see you in my dreams
Your voice in my ear
A fragment of you in my mind

do you see the world like I do?

I’m still feeling very sad but I don’t think bordering on depressed just yet. I feel so isolated from everyone, like I’m inside my head and my eyes are windows that are shut but transparent. I hate this and I don’t know what to do. It helps to write it all down right? I think so. Hoping one day I can read this and laugh at my silly feelings. We’ll see. Still, I’m happy I can look in the puddle and see the sky.

See, my parents want me to buy a house. Now. Today! ACT FAST! I am on one income and have two children. Is it really wise for me to buy property and have a mortgage on one income with two children? Because if it is, I don’t see it.

In related news, living with my parents will put a hamper on my attempts at dating. I’m planning to attend SAIC in Spring of 2011 for a certification program in Photography. It’s something I should have studied a very long time ago. Anyway, perhaps that would be a way to get out and meet new people. Meanwhile my loneliness is my shadow.

Here’s a photo I took this morning using my myTouch 4G:

follow the power lines down

Our teacher then took the class to a Walgreen’s and had everyone buy supplies while she stood watch near the registers. I remember one of the classmates buying a can of Campbell’s ravioli or some such thing. He bought it because the ravioli was filled with beets and he was going to use that to color something.

I remember buying graphing paper, black shoe polish and poster board. My idea was to cut out a stencil from the poster board then use the shoe polish to stain the design onto the graphing paper. It was around this time that I woke up. I really wish I could have seen the project done.

Here’s a fun list of new (or new to me) music I’ve added to my iTunes recently:

• Plastilina Mosh
• Zoé
• The Presets
• Kinky
• Kanye West
• Bengala
• Amanditita
• Sussie 4
• VHS or BETA
• IAMX
• Crystal Castles
• Federico Aubele
• Midnight Juggernauts
• Cut Copy

Check all of them out and maybe you’ll discover new music too!

I’ve posted two new videos to my Vimeo/zoblue account. I love watching the city’s buildings move as I walk down the sidewalk and I haven’t hurt myself so far. Mostly I try to be very aware of where the corners are and watch for any cracks in the sidewalk.

One of the videos is a recording to a waterfall in the plaza of the Aon Center. It’s a lovely little waterfall but it is pretty loud. I’ll try to post more videos of “moments” in the city. The other video is a reflection of one building in another building’s facade. The reflection is very fun and twisty!

I found a lovely pattern for sewing up some fabric slippers and I fell in love with the idea of wearing my favorite fabrics on my little tootsies! Pattern may be found here: Elle Tie-on slippers. I used some cotton canvas on the outside and the inside is a cute ducks pattern.

I really want to make some with fleece in the inside for extra luxury and softness.

Elle tie-on slippers,
originally uploaded by !!blue.

I’ve created a Vimeo account and have uploaded a video! The video is of my dad helping Zoe dance with a little girl. The little girl just ran up to her, grabbed her hands and started dancing with her! Zoe wasn’t really sure what to do and would just stand there . You can watch it here:

Edit: video taken down since it’s private