thoughts on being happy

This is my first Christmas…

This is my first Christmas alone in a long time. I’m happy though. My life is much different now. It’s definitely not where I wanted to be but where I need to be to get my life back on track.

My kids are happy too. Joaquin is doing better for the most part. His night terrors are gone and his asthma is nonexistent now. My son is always so full of joy and quick to smile! He does cry when his father drops him off and leaves. He’s too young to understand what’s going on but he knows when he comes home dad doesn’t stay so he cries. Zoe is struggling more than her baby brother. She starts acting up when she doesn’t get her way and cries telling me she hates this house and hates me because she wants to go home to her real home. It breaks my heart each time she says it and I know she doesn’t mean cause me pain. She wants her old life back. Aside from the occasional meltdown she’s doing well. I need to help her understand that this life is our life now. It’s a mountain we can climb together.

As far as my own happiness, I am working on it. My plans for my future are slowly growing, slowly evolving. I’ve had opportunities to date but I’ve set my own loneliness aside to focus on getting other aspects of my life in order. Sometimes I feel I’ll never get my life in order and other days I feel I’m right as rain. I can always count on my optimism to keep my outlook rosy. It seems whenever I have a bad day I can always sleep on it and by the next morning I feel much better.

Most of the time I take that as a sign my issues weren’t as big as I felt they were at the time. I also was taught not to complain and not cry which really only adds to my stress. Lately my kids, Christmas shopping, and my work have added stress which manifests as nausea and heartburn. But when I sit and think about things, I’m content.

Christmas has always filled me with magic. It’s in the kindness I see everywhere, in the twinkle lights that adorn everything, in the mugs of hot chocolate and the baked treats we eat. It was never a season of gifts to me but of season of love and magic and snow. Fuzzy sweaters and snowflake patterns. I hope ny children learn the magic of Christmas. Zoe once told me that Santa couldn’t get her many gifts because he didn’t have a lot of money so she asked him only for one gift. ♥ 

After the stress of the holiday season passes I can look forward to a fresh start with my kids and myself in the new year. As time passes I know the mountains we climb together will turn out to be rocky paths when I look back.

battling the loneliness monster

my loneliness is my shadow

I guess it’s time to dust off my blog and start writing again. I’m hoping I can write a post each day but we’ll see how it goes. I’m divorced now and recently moved in with my family. It has been… interesting. It is frustrating to live with people who question your every move. I already failed at life, I know; I’ve accepted it and am moving on with my life and my children’s lives. But do I really need to rush in head first into another decision that could end up worst?

See, my parents want me to buy a house. Now. Today! ACT FAST! I am on one income and have two children. Is it really wise for me to buy property and have a mortgage on one income with two children? Because if it is, I don’t see it.

In related news, living with my parents will put a hamper on my attempts at dating. I’m planning to attend SAIC in Spring of 2011 for a certification program in Photography. It’s something I should have studied a very long time ago. Anyway, perhaps that would be a way to get out and meet new people. Meanwhile my loneliness is my shadow.

Here’s a photo I took this morning using my myTouch 4G:

follow the power lines down

follow the power lines down