thoughts on being happy

This is my first Christmas…

This is my first Christmas alone in a long time. I’m happy though. My life is much different now. It’s definitely not where I wanted to be but where I need to be to get my life back on track.

My kids are happy too. Joaquin is doing better for the most part. His night terrors are gone and his asthma is nonexistent now. My son is always so full of joy and quick to smile! He does cry when his father drops him off and leaves. He’s too young to understand what’s going on but he knows when he comes home dad doesn’t stay so he cries. Zoe is struggling more than her baby brother. She starts acting up when she doesn’t get her way and cries telling me she hates this house and hates me because she wants to go home to her real home. It breaks my heart each time she says it and I know she doesn’t mean cause me pain. She wants her old life back. Aside from the occasional meltdown she’s doing well. I need to help her understand that this life is our life now. It’s a mountain we can climb together.

As far as my own happiness, I am working on it. My plans for my future are slowly growing, slowly evolving. I’ve had opportunities to date but I’ve set my own loneliness aside to focus on getting other aspects of my life in order. Sometimes I feel I’ll never get my life in order and other days I feel I’m right as rain. I can always count on my optimism to keep my outlook rosy. It seems whenever I have a bad day I can always sleep on it and by the next morning I feel much better.

Most of the time I take that as a sign my issues weren’t as big as I felt they were at the time. I also was taught not to complain and not cry which really only adds to my stress. Lately my kids, Christmas shopping, and my work have added stress which manifests as nausea and heartburn. But when I sit and think about things, I’m content.

Christmas has always filled me with magic. It’s in the kindness I see everywhere, in the twinkle lights that adorn everything, in the mugs of hot chocolate and the baked treats we eat. It was never a season of gifts to me but of season of love and magic and snow. Fuzzy sweaters and snowflake patterns. I hope ny children learn the magic of Christmas. Zoe once told me that Santa couldn’t get her many gifts because he didn’t have a lot of money so she asked him only for one gift. ♥ 

After the stress of the holiday season passes I can look forward to a fresh start with my kids and myself in the new year. As time passes I know the mountains we climb together will turn out to be rocky paths when I look back.